Here’s a picture by AlissaKiss that says, in my opinion, a lot about why we need to have female heroes represented in logos and ads.
This little girl came up to me while I was relaxing off my wonder boots for a moment, and asked me if I knew where Superman was. I told her he was off saving the world but would be back around again. She loooved the shiny bracelets so I let her try one on and it swallowed her whole arm. She then insisted on putting it back on me herself.
Beau Barker has been on a bit of a rampage posting pixelated graffiti throughout Adelaide, South Australia. You can check out a bunch more of the Kirbys he’s done past the break, but you should also hit up his Flickr for more freshness.
The scene’s always the same, with only the backdrop of the bedroom changing. I’m lying on my back in bed, pants unfastened, shirt slightly pushed up. She’s atop me, on all fours, slowly kissing her way down my neck, chest and just before she hits my stomach, I know where we’re headed. Blowjob time. Yuck.
Yep, you read that right. This full-blooded, straight male loathes blowjobs. She doesn’t know this of course, so the closer she gets to my erogenous zone, the more I squirm and my hand stops gently caressing the back of her head and begins subtly trying to nudge it, and her mouth, north. She resists. I sit up a little, sliding my crotch away from licking striking distance of her face. She looks confused. Then the conversation begins.
Her: “Um…What’s wrong?”
Me: Oh, nothing. I’m just not that into that. C’mere”
I try to kiss her. It lasts a second. She has many more questions. I’m pre-emptive at this point, having my side of the conversation down so well by now, I might as well record it and just play it back for her.
Me: “Right. So I hate blowjobs. It’s absolutely nothing against you; I’m sure you’re spectacular at this – but not so much so that I feel like you’ve had more than your fair share of practice. Yes, I’ve had great ones in the past. Yes, I’ve gotten off from them before. But I really don’t like them and I can count on two hands the number of times that’s occurred in my life.”
Her: (stunned silence)
Why is this so incredulous? If you’re not into, say, being choked during sex, I wouldn’t coo in your ear, “But, baby, it’ll be good if I do it. Trust me. Just let me try?” If you don’t like something, you have the right to refuse. But girls don’t often adhere to this logic. Instead, there seems to be a larger sense of pride associated with the blowjob for her; it’s a challenge she wants to rise to in hopes of overcoming it (pun intended). And she rarely takes no easily. I’ve heard everything whispered in an attempt to change my mind.
“I swear, I won’t scrape it with my teeth! I’ll be so gentle.”
“Just for a second. If you don’t like it I’ll stop.”
“It turns me on to blow you. Don’t you want to turn me on?”
Of course. However, I’m opposed to a BJ for a few reasons. First, I never know what to do with my hands. I feel like it’s tremendously degrading to grab the back of your head, or hold your ears as handles, or whatever else most guys do. And I feel weird just leaving them at my side, and I feel even weirder when I put them above my head. So I’m just constantly adjusting my arms, like a wingless bird trying to take flight.
Secondly, it takes forever for me to get off so I know eventually your mouth is going to get tired. It usually happens around the tenth minute, which is when muscles begin to feel strained and your mouth begins to close slightly. Then the scraping starts. The longer you try to keep going, the more your teeth make contact with my skin and the more painful it is. Just throw in the towel, for the sake of my poor penis.
Thirdly, freshness matters, to this guy and a few others I know. On a man, the crotch is one of the warmest areas and it requires a little extra attention to remain fresh and clean. If I’ve been at work all day, then running errands, then I see you, I really don’t think that’s optimal time for your mouth to be exploring down there. Ladies, at least you have feminine deodorant. All we guys have is Axe, and do you really want to be lapping away where I’ve just sprayed that chemical-ly crap? I think not.
Finally, because of these three reasons, my mind refuses to shutdown enough for me to truly enjoy the experience. I’m just wrapped up in my own thoughts, which spiral out of control, and eventually, I’m so far from close that it’s time to gently stop her. She always looks a tad broken; like she’s failed at something she cared so deeply about, which is what I truly don’t understand. I didn’t get off when you blew me…so what? It’s a blowjob! It’s not like I told you I hate your entire life and to drop dead. I still like/love you. I just don’t like the blowjobs.
what in the fuck! what… i mean. WHAT! can someone please interpret this into english, cause its in fucking chinese, it makes zero sense to me. i can totally relate to not like giving blowjobs, cause it does get tedious after awhile (depending on the size), but to not like receiveing?!? this has to be a 21 century hipster problem. a generation that has been so desensitized to sex because of its proliferation in every corner of every part of our lives that you cant even enjoy a fucking blowjob, but you compensate for your shortcomings (or no cummings) by becoming so overlysensitive to her comfort during said blowjob. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR HANDS! THE SMELL! ugh… so depressing for the future. i havent even clicked on the link to this guys profile, but i guarantee you hes a middle class white male in his mid 20s with a college degree. a very large portion of this demographic have tuerned into the Alan Aldas of this generation. fuckin pansy ass pussy bitches who cant even get off on a blow job. fuck. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR HANDS! WHAT!
Bolded for hilarity.